Walter Drake, How I Love Thee...

Ellen and I order the free Miles Kimball and Walter Drake catalogs to enjoy the fine products and amateur inventions they peddle. We fully recommend you do the same.

www.wdrake.com
www.mileskimball.com
www.harrietcarter.com

Yesterday I got a Walter Drake catalog in the mail with a huge banner on the front: "Don't let this be your LAST CATALOG! Due to rising costs, we can only mail to active customers. If you have placed an order, please disregard this notice."

*guh!* I'm seriously considering ordering a cheap piece of shit out of this magazine just to keep receiving it. I don't know if I can do without seeing a fine array of this crap every month.


Toilet Ring Remover
Toilet Ring Remover erases toilet bowl ring like magic! Simply rub like an eraser...stain is gone! Won't scratch or mar bowl. Ring remover is approximately 7" long with wooden handle.

UM - could that handle be any SHORTER?


Auto Swivel Cushion
Ball Bearing Base turns 360 degrees to assist persons suffering from arthritis, leg, hip or back problems as they enter or exit a car. Swivels in either direction, ending painful twisting. Polyester cover slips off foam/wood base to machine wash; 15" diameter.

If you have this much trouble getting of a car that you need a little turntable, maybe you shouldn't be driving.


Cutting Comb
Trimmer cuts as you comb through wet hair for a professional result every time.Saves $$$! Plastic and metal has 6 extra blades; 8 1/2" long.

This reminds me of the "Suck-Cut" from Wayne's World.


Rock N Go XL
Rock Your Way to Firmer Abs, Major Body Toning…Tummy to Tush! Rock-n-Go™ is the unique exerciser that simulates the gentle back-and-forth motions of horseback riding. Jump on and whittle away flab as you read, listen to music, even watch TV! Regular use improves coordination and posture. Ideal for those who shouldn’t work out strenuously or who can’t lift any weight. Features 4 speed controls to set your own pace. Holds up to 280 lbs.; 28x15x22"

This looks dirty. I don't even know what to comment on this one. Truly, I'm speechless.


Beauty Mask
If you like to do your hair and makeup before getting dressed, protect your careful efforts with this mask. Simple to put on, the generous front-zippered hood is made of soft domestic nylon. Keep an extra one in your purse for clothes-shopping trips. Washable. USA made.

What the fuck is she smiling at? As she's about to zip her face into a net.


Eyezone Massager
Worn around the head and shaped to fit the ocular region of the face the RELAXOLOGY Electric Eyezone Massager combines three proven therapies in one quick and easy to use gadget to relieve stress and tension around the eyes and temples in minutes. Pinhole therapy reduces stress in the eye, magnet therapy reduces pressure and massage therapy increases circulation around the affected area for immediate relief.

How could you look at someone wearing this, and take them seriously? It looks like something out of Star Trek Deep Space Nine.


Long Handled Grass Shears
Trimming Edges is as Easy as Walking...No Bending or Stooping. Trim lawn edges and hard-to-reach places with a simple squeeze of the trigger. Carbon steel is extra sharp...cuts through cardboard like butter. Plastic shaft on wheels is 33 1/2" long. Includes sharpening stone and cleaner to keep your yard looking the best in the neighborhood!

Clip...clip...clip...


Natural Contours Ideal
Stimulate, rejuvenate and relax all body muscles, from head to toe. European-designed massager with powerful vibrating action offers endless relaxation. Lightweight, ergonomic shape gets hard-to-reach areas of the neck, spine and back. Cordless and fully rechargeable; runs 60 minutes per charge. Antibacterial plastic is 8 3/4" long.

Note the callout. No returns on funked-up 'back' massagers.


Chin Strap
Firm your chin while you sleep! Stretch-to-fit band gently helps strengthen chin, jaw line and cheeks while you relax, do housework, cook or read. Smooth forehead lines at the same time, too. Made of beige color 100% spandex. Imported; hand washable.

Prevent chin-sag while looking like a complete jackass. This reminds me of how they used to tie up toothaches.


Dust Mop Slippers
Dust Mop Slippers pick up dust, dirt, pet hair from floor without bending or kneeling. Save your back! Pretreated fibers; one size fits most.

Because if you are walking around, you might as well pick up dust on the kitchen floor. And then track dust bunnies all over the carpet when you go back into the living room. Fantastic idea.


Exercise Pulley Set
Over-the-door pulley system helps loosen up stiffness, arthritic shoulders and joints. Builds muscle tone and improves circulation, too. Place over the top of any door up to 1 1/2" thick. Just pull back and forth for symmetrical results. Set of 2 helps relieve adhesive tendonitis, frozen shoulder syndrome, rotator cuff injury. Improve coordination and increase endurance level.

A flimsy piece of string being pulled by plastic handles on a cheap pulley. How can this possibly provide any resistance whatsoever? You probably get more exercise setting it up on the door.


Blow Dryer Bonnet
Turns your hair dryer into a ventilated hair drying system. Protects hair by filtering direct heat! Roomy 12" diameter vinyl cap is ideal for maintaining fuller styles without blasts from hand-held drying. Fits hair dryers up to 4" diameter; features drawstring closure for a snug fit.

Does this look like a MAJOR fire hazard to anyone else?????? hahah ha hah ha Oh, this is by far my favorite. I can't stop staring at it. HA HHA AHHAHHA


Bed Caddie
Durable nylon strap has ladder handles to ease yourself into an upright position in bed, then helps you lie back down again. Length adjusts easily to 45" long to attach to bed frame; cushioned handles provide a comfortable and secure grip. Supports up to 300 pounds.

First of all, this looks like one of my Mom's friends. Secondly, apparently this lady is retiring for the night fully dressed for the day.


Door Stop Alarm
Door Stop Alarm Protects You and Your Home. LOUD 125 dB alarm sounds at the slightest sign of entry. Movement sensor adds extra protection with adjustable sensitivity that activates if tampered; nonskid strips. On/off switch lets you take this safeguard on trips. Uses 2AA batteries, not included; 5 3/4" x 2" x 5 5/8".

I hope the person who buys this gets robbed, as punishment for being a cheapass and trying to protect his home w/ a plastic doorstop for $8.99.


EasyWipe®
Extends Your Reach in the Bathroom Simple to use and easy to keep clean, wand with toilet tissue grip is an innovative way to ensure personal hygiene for those who have difficulty reaching. Ergonomic EasyWipe® holds toilet tissue or wipes firmly. Push the top button for clean release. Latex-free 15" plastic/silicone wand has discreet case and instructions.

It seems that at this point, if you can't reach back and wipe your own ass anymore, why are you still home at all? Where do you store this filthy thing between uses? Lean it up against a wall in the corner? What if it has poop handle? Ugh!


Just A Drop
Just one drop into the toilet bowl immediately before use neutralizes odors instantly. Just 'a Drop is a biodegradable, nontoxic, plant-based formula that creates a deodorizing layer right on the surface of the water. No more chemical-laden sprays to deal with after the odor starts. Contains 15 mililiters.

I really want to meet the person who orders these drops and thinks that they will work.


Garden Hands™
Jumbo Garden Hands™ pick up piles of leaves and debris in half the time! Just slip hands into adjustable handles. Forked scoops are so much easier to use than a rake to grab grass, leaves and clippings. Your hands stay clean and protected from sharp twigs, bugs and dirt. Set of 2 made of durable plastic; each measures 14" x 11".

I love that someone out there wanted to cut "leaf picking up time". I would want to be outside every day in the fall when people were raking if I had these. Wait, let me get those...let me get those...I have a special tool for that...


Pick Up Tongs
Instantly extend your reach by nearly 3'. Now you can safely grasp hard-to-reach items on high shelves! Lightweight wooden rod has sturdy rubberized metal "fingers" and a spring action handle to grip objects. Magnetic tip attracts needles and nails! Deluxe, suction grip tongs help change a lightbulb. Each is 32" long.

Love the picture. You thirsty? Great, let me just reach up here and get this antique, one-of-a-kind glass for you to drink out of... *CRASH*


Padded Panty
Rear pads add lift for an attractive curvy figure. Panties give a more rounded, shapely appearance instantly. Made of 87% nylon, 13% spandex with cotton panel. Imported. Machine wash, line dry. Specify by waist size: Small (25-26), Medium (27-28), Large (29-30). The little boost makes a difference to prevent sagging pants and skirts.

I am a woman, and I cannot conceive of any other woman on this earth wanting MORE ASS. And why is there a size Large??