A Rescue's Answering Machine

A-FRIGGIN-MEN....!



Hello: You have reached ___-____, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to the following options and choose the one that best describes you or your situation:

Press 1 if you have an 11-year-old pet and your 15-year-old son has suddenly become allergic and you need to find the pet a new home RIGHT AWAY.

Press 2 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your 150 pound, 8-year-old dog. You, for reasons that we cannot comprehend, chose an apartment that doesn't allow dogs (?!?!?)...

Press 3 if you have three pets, have had a baby and now want to get rid of the pets. You no longer have time for them (and heaven forbid the toxic HAIR get on the baby), and are in fact the only person in the world to have a baby and pets at the same time.

Press 4 if you just got a brand new puppy and your old dog is having problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.

Press 5 if your little puppy has grown up and is no longer small and cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.

Press 6 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home TODAY and pick up the pet you no longer want.

Press 7 if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the last three years, are moving away, and suddenly determine this animal is not yours.

Press 8 if you picked a puppy based on cuteness instead of actually researching the breed, and now you just do not have time to devote to the training and exercise. Who would have thought a dog needed EXERCISE??

Press 9 if your animal is sick, and, despite knowing that with all pets come expenses, ask us if we can give you free medicine to treat it.

Press 10 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute puppy who is not active and is going to outlive you.

Press 11 if your relative has died and you don't want to care for their elderly pet because it doesn't fit your lifestyle.

Press 12 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old pet to be euthanized because we are overflowing and can’t take any more in.

Press 13 if you want one of our PERFECTLY trained, housebroken, kid-and-animal-friendly purebred animals that we have an abundance of.

Press 14 if you have bought your children a duckling, chick or baby bunny for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute.

Press 15 if, despite being counseled on the effects and pain of declawing, your now-declawed cat is biting and not using the litter box, but you are not willing to accept the responsibility that the cat's behavior is altered because you wanted to protect your nice furniture.

Press 16 if your two year old male dog is marking all over your house and humping everything in sight, but you just haven't gotten around to having him neutered and want to keep him intact “just in case”. He’s got good blood lines, you know. And what this world needs is more puppies when our shelters are overflowing with adoptable pets.

Press 17 if you declawed your cat, let it go outside unable to defend itself, and now wonder where it is and need help trapping it. Or the cat finally came back and you want us to figure out what kind of disease it’s caught while being outside, and the cheapest possible way to treat it without going to the vet.

Press 18 if you didn't listen to the message asking for an evening phone number and you left your work number when all volunteers are also working their full time jobs and you are angry because no one called you back.

Press 19 if you need a puppy or kitten immediately and cannot wait because today is your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born.

Press 20 if your pet’s coat doesn't match your new furniture and you need a different color or breed.

Press 21 if your child has “outgrown” his/her pet and you are looking to get rid of it immediately.

Press 22 if you have continually fed barn cats and watched them multiply over the past several years without doing anything about it, but now want us to come get all the cats off your property because there are way too many.

Press 23 if you want us to diagnose your sick animal by describing the symptoms over the phone, and want to know of alternative ways to treat it since you are a cheapass and can’t see dropping all that money at the vet.

Press 24 if your new love doesn't like your dog and you are too stupid and ignorant to get rid of the new love (who will dump you in the next month anyway) instead of the pet that has been loyal to you all these years. Because it makes perfect sense to want to be with someone who makes you get rid of your animal.

Press 25 if you went through all these 'options' and didn't hear something that satisfies you. This will connect you to the sounds of tears being shed by one of our volunteers who is holding a discarded old pet while the vet mercifully frees him from the grief of missing his family.

~Author Unknown, but MUCH APPRECIATED